Neporistic Sarcasm
by Spooke125
Summary: Humoristic Sarcasm with an extreme nep flavor. Care to make yourself laugh? Well I dare you. Make sure you don't die of laughter though, k. I put a lot of stupid humor in here that's bound to get a laugh. so if that's you're sort of thing read on. Rated M for Morbid Depiction of Injury for Extreme Humor.
1. Life of DIE

**Well, I guess third nep fic idea in like 3 days? Geez, I really know how to stack the odds against myself.**

 **Also, screw using wikis, not everything has to be cannon, cept for the characters (the actual ones, not oc's of course) personalities. Actually, not being cannon is what makes a fic great, no one comes to look at an exact retelling of a story just with some dude added in. Trust me, it's generally why self inserts suck. Gotta use your brain and be creative if you want to actually make it work.**

 **Never go full self-insert. Ever.**

 **(Not even I have tried something so terrifying.)**

-Xx125xX-

"Well, shit. This looks like the end for me. Just wonderful. I always wanted to die by falling onto a goddamn Japanese Edo Period looking house with a big spike on the top. Totally. Not bullshitting you at all. Why would I do that? Because NO ONE LIKES TO BE IMPALED!" The OC to end all OC's said as he ended up falling onto an extremely sharp flag post in the middle of Lowee, but first let's see how he got here.

-Xx125xX-

"Since when did I have this Neptunium Antivirus?" A teen said as he saw a virus detection message.

 _ERROR: VIRUS DETECTED, REAL : TROJAN_

 _DELETE? –FUCK IT –EH WHY NOT?_

"The fuck are these options?" the teen said before raising his arms and saying "Fuck it!" and clicks on the corresponding option.

Soon enough reality starts to blip away.

"Maybe I should have clicked "Eh why not? Nah, something tells me the same thing would have happened. Maybe reality was doomed from the get go." The teen says as he begins to get a falling sensation and begins to panic as he realizes he is literally falling in what appears to be a snowy Japan with Edo period houses and some Plant houses.

-Xx125xX-

"And that's how I got into this situation. I hope at the very least I don't get eaten by a giant like a mushroom skewer or some shit." The teen said.

"Actually now that I think about it, why am I so indifferent about this? I have literally been impaled shouldn't I be screaming or something? HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

-Xx125xX-

Meanwhile inside the building that said teen had found himself impaled upon a certain group of CPU's heard his voice.

"Uhm, anyone have a clue why someone is screaming directly above us. Actually, Blanc, did you ever get that spiked flagpole taken down?"

Blanc pulls a random brain fart and goes, "No? Oh…" Before realizing someone had managed to fall on it a la Neptune.

"Okay, who's going to save whoever fell on the spike and risk seeing someone guts?" Blanc deadpanned.

"I will!" Neptune shouts cheerily before transforming into her processor form and flying onto the roof.

"Okay. Take a calm deep breath sir as I am about to pull you off of that flagpole." Neptune says in a calming voice.

"Just get me off while I'm still in shock! Please dear god why me!?" the teen shouts as the numbness of the shock begins to wear off.

Neptune quickly does so.

"Oh god, I can feel my guts trying to slide out of me. Why?" the teen sort of mutters before passing out.

Neptune walks into Lowee's Basilicom before saying, "Can somebody either get Compa or a competent nurse on the phone. This guy has managed to still be alive."

-Xx125xX-

Out of nowhere during the operation on 'the teen' he had shouted, "My ribs are in my eyes!" and then promptly passed out again.

(Bonus points if you get that reference.)

-Xx125xX-

One week after a successful operation the teen pulled through and woke up in a oddly comfy bed. When he opened his eyes it became blindingly clear that he was not in his bedroom.

"Okay, first off, what is my ransom, and why was I kidnapped?" the teen says calmly before sitting up.

"There's no ransom, silly." Neptune says before giggling a little bit at his extreme assumptions.

"I'm not even going to ask how your hair can be naturally purple." The teen remarks.

"It's because I'm a goddess." Neptune remarks.

"Okay, it's official; I've died and gone to heaven, a heaven for pedophiles, but heaven nonetheless."

"You're not dead." Neptune replies.

"Damn, then this is a dream?"

"Nope."

"So you're saying I shouldn't have deleted reality?"

"Wuzzat?" Neptune responds tilting her head.

The teen coughs before saying, "Nothing."

"Okay, anyways mister… What is your name?"

' _Hmm, it would seem no one knows me here, so I can truly have any name I want!'_ The teen thinks to himself.

"Well, my name is… Kado." Kado panicked and said his real name anyways when he couldn't think of a new one. _'Damn, there goes my awesome new name plan.'_

Kado has dirty blonde hair, a seemingly normal thing when it comes to Bropower's fanfictions, t'would seem. He also has blue eyes, Not green, that shit get's overused. "Who d'ya think this is intended for? Neptune? Please no." Kado says breaking the fourth wall and securing his place as MC before Neptune could do so.

"Aw man, you saying I can't be the protag of all protags this time around." Neptune fake-sniffles at the author's comment.

"Shit, author-dude, you just broke the fifth wall, what are we gonna do now? Oh shit a black hole, everybody, evacuate the basilicom!" Kado shouts before everything gets reversed in time.

Apart from Kado's, dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, he wore a plain ass white shirt, with a white emblem that you might catch a glimpse of if you're lucky, that had a blood stain from his previous impaling. "Can I get an, 'Oh, I seem to have been impaled' anybody?" Kado asks.

His pants however were a dark black pair of jeans made with an extremely comfy fabric, to the point of basically being pajamas. There was a pair of shoes near the door that were obviously his, considering that he wasn't wearing shoes at the moment, they were a light gray with a red motif.

Kado currently wore nothing else of any specialty. "Hey, whaddya saying?" Kado shouts at the author.

 **-Xx125xX-**

 **Well, I guess that's the end of this chapter for now. I should have a new one out in one to two days, but no promises.**


	2. Software

**I just deleted around five paragraphs worth of ranting about Overwatch. You're welcome**

 **Also, anyone who wants to make a fic but doesn't have ideas for a characters abilities and/ or weapons. Before you go and give your characters video game abilities, (looking at you G1 Archangel in particular (the story's good just extremely cringy in the second fic, can deal with it though) would still help you create more original abilities though if you want that.) I would be willing to help anyone who needs some abilities for their characters and weapons too. Abilities from other games for characters can be done successfully if doing a humor fic but can get really annoying when things get to the point where you're not even sure if the author knows what he is talking about. Hence the reason I can come up with not only names for these abilities but what they do and even what they look like if you really want, though descriptions of appearances are not exactly my forte, as you'll soon come to learn.**

 **Just send me a PM if you want help with abilities or weapons or even familiars and what not.**

 **Just a warning this fic isn't just humor, no way I could pop out humor like the first chapter every time, I have to be feeling it and it doesn't always happen the way I want.**

 **Hence the drama tag. Also I, as always plan to make the chapters are long if I keep a good enough attention span, but no guarantees.**

-Xx125xX-

"Whew, for whatever reason I feel like I just listened to an extremely long rant." Kado said, feeling completely fine after the author's rant.

"In fact, I feel powerful." He said as he flexed his muscles, or lack thereof.

"I'd hate to break it to you Kado, but your class is a sage from the looks of it." It appeared that during the authors lengthy rant about bullshit overwatch potg's the group had managed to become well acquainted.

"Damn, I wanted to be strong, I was already intelligent, how am I supposed to beat the shit out of the bullies from my days in elementary?" Kado says in regret of not being a warrior class.

"Could always beat them up with magic!" Neptune says as she pulls out her troll (read: nep) face.

"Oh, good point. Magic. Bitch! Actually I should probably stop saying bitch but no one has stopped me yet." Kado thought out loud.

"So, uh what do I do now?" Kado asks.

"Hmm, I dunno. You could help us stop the seven sages." Blanc replies.

"And how long have you been up against these seven sages?" Kado asks.

"Long enough that we have seen four of their members. Meaning Fatso was the last." Blanc replies.

-Xx125xX-

Okay, time-freeze, this is where shit gets weird, so this is a mix of rebirth 1 with rebirth 3. Prepare to have your brain fuck itself.

(no plutia).

Nevermind you won't need to have your brain fuck itself, I changed my idea on what I'm doing with the plot for like the seventh time and it became really simple, no plutia and it uses rebirth 3's plot. Only other diff is that the candidates are all in the ultradimension (damn I still remember the dimensions name) and there isn't any dimension traveling cept for Kado. However, once I get to the point where I have played megadimension that will be what comes next. Okay, so maybe you're brain still needed to fuck itself. Neptune sort of takes the place of plutia.

(I would use plutia but she is difficult as fuck to write)

Okay, now you can have your brain unfuck itself.

-Xx125xX-

"Okay, so lemme get this straight, these Seven Sages, who coincidentally sound like something from 'Zelda' are against CPU's even existing?" Kado asks curiously.

"That's about right, so far they haven't stood much of a chance though." Noire chirps in.

"I don't know why but you're giving off extreme tsundere and loner vibes." Kado remarks seemingly also pissing Noire off just a tad bit more than he should have.

"Hmph." Noire hmphs, seemingly getting herself under control after having turned Kado into the new Edgar.

"Hey, I don't appreciate being in this damn hole!" Kado yells.

"What's that Edgar? I can't hear you." Noire shouts above Kado.

"Cunt." Kado says with an ice cold voice.

"What did you just say?" Noire asks.

"Did I stutter?" Kado says as he instantly floats out of the 30 meter deep hole.

"What, how did you float out?" Noire replies sort of surprised but not really, it was more of a sarcastic comment.

"I dunno, maybe on a 'hole' I just wasn't Edgar enough for it. Well, not really, I found this neato ability." Kado says as he points out a weird bracelet on his wrist with a power button.

"I just decided to call it SDD, or Soft Drive Divinity." Kado says smirking.

"The form itself hasn't fully developed from what I can tell as my body is still getting used to this form but I think I will call it the CPU Compat Drive or CCD; and yes, I did just make an acronym out of an acronym." Kado says smirking. (1)

After a few seconds more Kado's CCD begins to form. First he gets a few jetpacks on his body; one on his back, one on each arm, and one on the bottom of his shoes / feet. Next his pupils turn into a GUI or HUD. Mind you it's extremely difficult to read the HUD since it's backwards and on his eyes. After that he gets some cobalt reinforced iron armor on his main torso along with a few pieces here and there on his legs and arms where it won't get in the way. Finally, his personality begins to change a bit.

"Wanna go? I bet I could take you on and still have time to eat lunch." Kado says with a cocky shit-eating grin on his face.

"Is that a challenge?" Noire already in her processor form replies.

"Wanna find out" Kado cracks his neck and rolls his arms back a bit.

"Knock it off!" Blanc roars at Kado and Noire scaring that absolute b'jesus out of them.

"Okokokokokokokokok." Kado says while having a mini panic attack. He did not want to see Blanc's rage, even if his own probably would scare her more. Only a few people have seen the inner extent of his wrath and one of them wouldn't have made it out alive if he hadn't returned to his senses.

-Xx125xX-

After Blanc had calmed down she asked quite a reasonable question of Kado, "So, what are you going to do with this CCD?" Blanc was actually curious about this new development.

"Hmm, I dunno, it's not every day you ascend into what one would call godhood and stop aging. Maybe I'll just, I guess, join one of you guys in your nation?" Kado replies full of doubt on what he wants to do. He thought being immortal would be awesome but now he's not sure how he's going to keep life entertaining for the next eternity.

"Who would you go with then?" Neptune asks rather normally for her usual self. Maybe the first male party member ever actually got her to think rationally.

"Noire, I guess. As much as I'd hate to admit it as it would stereotype me with other males which I avoid like the plague for some stupid reason I cannot remember, the whole tsundere thing is quite appealing." Kado begins to ramble.

"I-I'm not a Tsundere. I just don't get along with people well." Noire blushes profusely and begins to stutter.

"Sure. That's what they all say Noire. Then they wind up like you. Alone. Also, I remember Neptune saying something about you being a loner." Kado tells her with a bit of sarcasm to boot.

"Geez, that's a double whammy. I assume I should get the aloe?" Neptune says including another burn for good measure.

"Wrap ice in cloth and apply to burn." Kado continues what he and Neptune had started.

 **-Xx125xX-**

 **1 Damn I had this idea for like what, 2 years now, glad to give it some use. I had even told people the idea to see if they'd use it since a lot of people are probably better than me but no one used it. So, I guess maybe this idea could get me into the popular nep fic club in a way? I dunno. Hell if I actually care. Popularity isn't actually something I care about. Even if I do wanna become a streamer or youtuber at some point. (Or at least one popular enough to make money.)**

 **Also, I still get favs and follows for things I clearly will never continue but whatever I guess. People do what people want.**

 **Holy shit I just took a look at the view count for this thing just with this chapter and I already have 67 in what is like 3 fucking days.**


End file.
